I'm just following the dress code in a manly way
by polandATEmyTACOS
Summary: American Hogwarts student Scott Smallman, woke up one morning to find that Umbridge had set up a new decree that dealt with the dress code at Hogwarts. Not happy with the decree, he decides there is only one thing to do. What is that? Follow the dress code word for word. warnings: cursing, skirts, Umbridge
1. Chapter1 Technically it is not a skirt

It was a quiet afternoon inside Hogwarts castle. That's right. Quiet. And when thing were quiet it meant that trouble was close by. Deep inside the castle, in a unusually dreary classroom a smarmy, toad like teacher stood at the front staring at her students with beady eyes. With a cup of tea in hand she watched them read.

Sip. Stare. Sip. Stare. Sip. Stare a little longer.

And then suddenly the monotony was broken as the doors to the classroom slammed open and a rather tall gryffindor entered the room. The students turned to look at him partially fearing for the boys life and partially wondering why the boy was wearing...a skirt?

The toad woman narrowed her eyes at the boy who took a seat near Fred Weasley...or George. She couldn't tell.

"hem-hem", she cleared her throat.

The boy payed no notice and got out his book and began reading.

"hem-hem", she cleared her throat once again with a little more volume.

The boy still played no notice.

"Mr. Smallman, might I ask why you are late to my class and wearing improper clothing?", she asked in a tone that was laced with poison.

The boy looked up with a smile on his face that clearly said 'Fuck you, I do what I want'.

"Oh Mrs. Umbridge. Hello! I was staying behind near the dining hall to read the new decree you posted."

"Really? Then you would have noticed that it stated that 'all students must wear proper clothing, for their age, gender, and year'.", she stated her face slightly red and her eyes flashing with something akin to malice.

"Yes I do believe that is what it said."

"Then I believe I see a problem here Mr. Smallman."

"Really? I fail to see one.", said the Scott Smallman as he fixed his skirt.

The Weasley twins started to snicker and Lee Jordan in the back of the classroom was trying not to laugh. Everyone else was wondering who would be chosen to bury Scott Smallman's dead body. Umbridge's face had turned red and she was now livid.

"The problem is Mr. Smallman, that you are wearing a SKIRT. That is against the decree as this article of clothing is for girls only." she said with the corner of her mouth twitching. Like she was about to explode.

"Actually Mrs. Umbridge this is what you people in scotland call a kilt-"

"It is a skirt."

"- and according to scottish men, Kilts are very manly. Emphasis on the very. Actually I was wearing trousers this morning but when I saw the new decree I thought my trousers might be to feminine and be mistaken as girls clothing. But then Alicia Spinnet lent me her Kilt. All is well now. It looks rather dashing. I think-"

"Mr. Smallsman."

"-it's a little breezy between the legs and I haven't shaved but-"

"MR. SMALLSMAN!"

The Weasley twins were both trying to regain there ability to breath and Fred had fallen off the chair and was crying with mirth. Lee was in the back crying with laughter and pounding his fist on the desk. The students in the class were now passing around a betting sheet that was voting on how many weeks of detention Scott was going to get. Quite a few of the students were snickering. Someone in the back of the class said, "I'd tap that." Umbridge had reached her breaking point.

"MR. SMALLSMAN. YOU WILL REMOVE THAT SKIRT NOW, PUT ON SOME TROUSERS AND MEET ME IN DETENTION TONITE AT 4:00! YOU ARE ACTING COMPLETELY DISGRACEFUL! AND I SUGGEST YOU-"

"I do not think removing my KILT is the best idea DOLORES. In the spirit of being a true scotsman I have decided to wear my KILT the PROPER way. Without any knickers.", drawled Scott as he played with the ink bottle on his desk.

"...What did you say?" asked Umbridge, not quite sure if she had heard her student correctly.

"No true Scotsman would wear underwear under there Kilts. It would be improper and unmanly. And you just love being proper don't you Mrs. Umbridge?", said Scott in a sickly sweet voice and a smile that made him look slightly psychotic.

Fred and George were drowning in there tears of laughter and Lee had passed out from the lack of oxygen he was getting from laughing to hard. Some of the wiser Ravenclaw students decided to sneak out of the room before Umbridge would kill everyone in the vicinity and the people who stayed were no longer quiet with their laughter.

Umbridge could no longer deal with the stress of all the students and left the room to go get McGonagall to control her house student.

The remaining students left the room and Scott looked at the wall of pink kitten plates that had started to migrate out of Umbridge's office over the course of the year.

"Now how shall I deal with you..."


	2. Chapter2 Detention and Fun with pens

Pink was never a tasteful color. Especially when it was slathered all over the walls. Which was why Scott Smallman had the urge to throw up when he walked into Umbridge's Pepto-Bismol coated office. And as if the kitten plates and Pepto-Bismol coloring weren't bad enough, the office was coated in frilly white lace that would but a wedding dress shop to shame. It was disgusting. Vile. Vomit inducing...we're getting off topic.

The reason Scott Smallman was here was because of a certain incident involving a skirt, his junk, and a very angry toad-lady. It wasn't his fault really. He had just been following the rules. Albeit finding a few loopholes while doing so. He was going to make an excellent lawyer. Or he was just into pissing people off. Probably the latter.

"hem-hem."

While Scott Smallman had been staring at the hideous paint job on the office walls, the toad woman who owned the office had arrived in her pink ensemble. As he turned to look at her, he had only one thought.

'Toads really shouldn't wear pink.', he thought with a disgusted look on his face.

"Mr. Smallman," said Umbridge."Today your behavior was unacceptable. You are going to be writing lines with me."

Now Scott was not stupid. He new what "lines" meant. He had seen the back of Fred's hand after his detention and it was not pretty. However he had ideas hatching in his dark, twisted mind the moment he had seen the scars. Oh yes, today was going to be amusing despite the pain.

"Just tell me what I need to write Mrs. Umbridge.", he said in a voice that clearly had a humorous undertone. Not that Umbridge noticed. She wouldn't know humor if it slapped her in the face with a garden gnome dressed in Ron's dress robes. She thought his voice had a serious tone to it. Poor deluded toad. He sat down at the desk provided for him.

"You will write, 'I shall not wear a skirt to class and I shall learn to respect my professor'." ,said Umbridge as she handed him one of her 'special' quills.

"Riiiiiiight. Ok then. I guess I'll get started." Scott waited until Umbridge turned around to drink her tea at her desk and the he started 'writing'.

4 hours later...

"You can put down your quill now. Let me see your hand," said Umbridge toad with a simpering smile.

Her smile dissipated as soon as she saw the scarring on Scott's hand. Her faced turned a lovely shade of red and she started to tremble. The kittens residing on the plates in her office decided to disappear.

"Mr. Smallman...what is this?!"

Written on Scott's hand was 'This is my left hand.'

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Umbridge." said Scott with a smile. "I just thought it would be more useful to write this on my left hand in case I forget it was my left hand. I do that all the time. It's quite annoying really."

"Mr. Smallman...THAT IS COMPLETELY IDIOTIC," shouted Umbridge with spit flying from her lips.

"Actually it is quite useful. What I did to my right hand is idiotic," he stated showing her his right hand. The scarring on said hand made the face for a hand puppet that had a distinct resemblance to a certain toad-like teacher. "It is actually quite funny though! Look what I can do with it."

He started to move the mouth of the hand puppet and said, "Rawr, I'm Mrs. Um-bitch. Detention for you! You no breathing in the hallways! Pink is awesome! Fudge is so sexy! Hem-hem! Hem-hem! Hem-hem!-"

And at that moment Umbridge quite promptly kicked Scott out of her office.

"AND STAY OUT!" she screamed, slamming the door.

As Scott left and he ran toward his dorm, Umbridge sat in her Office chair, her head in her hands. With a headache of immense proportions building, she had failed to notice that some of her kitten plates were missing...


	3. Voting for the next chapter!

**Hello Everyone! This is polandATEmyTACOS! This isn't a chapter but you should read this.**

**You are getting a choice. You get to vote on what happens to the kitten plates in the next chapter. How? By going to my profile page and checking out the poll at the top! You get to pick two choices out of the several that I have provided! In the end three will be chosen. Two with the highest number of votes and one chosen by me. You have ****TWO**** days to vote. Unless people don't vote and then I will prolong the voting period. Have fun voting!**


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